Predictions for the 2010 Major League Baseball Season

As relayed from a series of text messages between Drew and me, these are our official predictions for the 2010 Major League Baseball season. Yes, this is indicative of most of my text message conversations:

Paul Konerko will lead the league in triples.

… though he will be strongly challenged by Jim Thome.

Johnny Damon performs the first ever quadruple play. Unassisted.

In a controversial vote, David Ortiz will be named “Best Player of the Aughts” by respected baseball writers.

Jim Caple points to Ortiz’s “five tools,” while Peter Gammons cites his ability to “do the little things.”

… Gammons then says “Red Sox” 42 times in the following sentence.

Jamie Moyer throws the world’s first 54-hitter.

And Tony Gwynn will become a consultant for the Mariners, tasked with “gettin’ more butts in the seats.”

Tom Petty becomes the official spokesman of the Dodger Dog.

Carl Everett replaces Bud Selig as commissioner.

Commissioner Everett appoints Randy Johnson beer czar.

In observance of breast cancer awareness, players use pink bats!! Oh wait.

John Kruk loses his analyst position, mired in the controversy of “Wig-gate.”

Harold Reynolds weds Elizabeth Taylor in a small, private ceremony.

Otis Nixon will get denied HOF eligibility “because of Watergate.”

Will Clark reveals that he’s really a 73 year-old woman.

Eric Gagne, weighing 147 pounds, stages a comeback with the Baltimore Orioles as a DH.

Orel Hershiser, alive and well, is baffled and a little embarrassed when second base is officially renamed Orel Hershiser Memorial Second Base.

Evan Longoria abruptly ends his Major League career in favor of running for president under a revitalized Bull Moose Party ticket.

… He chooses Rickey Henderson as his running mate.

… He ultimately loses, but with an impressive 23% of the vote.

Tim Wakefield‘s four consecutive shutout innings is roundly recognized as “an example of his tremendous courage.”

Kevin Millwood finishes last in the league in shutouts, with one.

… He manages to finish with 19 wins and a 5.43 ERA.

… and is named a “prospect on the rise” by Baseball America.